Faith: Prologue

Yah, this is my novella. I posted the intro to this, and I highly recommend reading that first.

The prologue is a flashback to the night the Skeletal Hand killed all the Moon Children. Please read and review!

Courage ran; she might have had wings in her heels. She had no lungs, but her diaphragm burned like tires screeching on asphalt. She had no heart, yet her chest was filled with beating blood. Death-cold wind roared, pushing her back, threatening to tear her banner-like ears from her head. She felt like she was running up the nasal passage of a great beast in the middle of a sneeze. Every muscle in her powerful body was stretched to the breaking point. The Moon only knew how she kept going.

The Moon.

The Moon hung deflated and pallid in the sky, exhausted from her birth. She seemed to have sighed in deep content and resignation. This was the end. It was all over. Courage’s navy eyes were pained at the Moon’s sickly luster. She couldn’t believe it was over.

She could feel it hunting her, tracking her down. It was almost laughable, really. What was she running from again? It was a fragment of a living thing, yet it had destroyed Joy, Beauty, Protection, and so many others. Now only Courage was left. Courage, and the small treasure she carried with her, close to the place where her heart would be.

The child snuggled into her breast fur, and she was beautiful enough to melt a scorpion’s spiny heart. She glowed with the radiance the Moon had lost, and Courage feared she was like a silver beacon, giving their position away. But she couldn’t let her go. She held the future in her paws, and the future must survive, even at the cost of her own life.

The sound of rushing water met Courage’s ears. She slid down the wet, clover-choked bank and huddled in a small ditch by the waterside, ignoring the stagnant mud seeping through her fur. The roaring of her overheated body was so loud that it drowned out the sounds of the night. She willed it to stop, wished desperately for the silence she needed. The Moon shrugged in apology. She couldn’t do anything more. Her work was done.

The Fall of Paws thundered a few hundred feet downstream. Its liquid bulk surged like a black serpent over the cliff, shedding foamy scales into the dark sky. Courage sighed heavily through clenched teeth. She would be safe here for a while. Some of the Moon Children’s magic still remained in these sacred waters. With that thought, Courage gently slipped out of the Shield strapped to her back. She fingered its broad, sturdy edges, traced the symbols etched in its concave face. Then she slid it into the water. It stood still a moment before bobbing downstream, rocking, and sinking.

Death hit Courage like a charged arrow.

Not physical death. Not yet. But she could feel it now, breathing down her neck, winding its unrelenting fingers around her neck like poison snakes. It wasn’t death that she feared—it was death now. It was too soon. Not yet. Not yet.

Courage was on her feet again…or not even. She was a crimson blur hurtling through the forest. The child was crying now, but Courage didn’t try to hush her. She vaulted fallen limbs without slowing her pace, leaped gorges and scaled rock walls, until finally she could see lights.

The warm, buttery glow of stained-glass windows was near enough to touch. Courage broke through the brittle foliage and out onto the drawbridge. She threw herself against the door and wailed loud and shrill, “Maid!”

Courage moaned with anxiety. What if she was too late? Death was squeezing her like a vice now, like she was its stuffed animal. But she didn’t look over her shoulder. She was afraid she would shatter her chances if she did so.

The door was flung open. Illuminated in the doorframe was a shapely woman with hair just turning gray at the roots. She wore a modest black dress and frilly white apron, and was comically equipped with a feather-duster. Courage smiled weakly. This was her savior, her warrior, her knight clad in cleaning supplies.

But the Maid’s face was grave as she knelt by the Moon Child’s side. “Courage…”

“I’m the only one left, Maid. Besides the child. Here. Take her.” Courage’s voice was raspy and desperate, almost crazed, as she shoved the child towards the Maid.

The Maid hesitated. “This can’t be the only—“

“Maid, listen to me. She’s safe here, and nowhere else. If you don’t take her now…even I can’t predict what disaster could fall on the world. Whatever happens, the Skeletal Hand must not find her, or the Flute of Paws. I have that with me as well.” From a pouch at her hip Courage drew a slender wooden instrument.

The maid stiffly took the child from Courage’s arms. A huge shudder ran from under her frilly bonnet to the tips of her slippered feet. She couldn’t describe the feeling. It was almost as if destiny itself were nestled in her arms. She hastily took the Flute as well, less reverently, and turned back to Courage. It pained her heart to see this ancient creature in her last moment of life. Courage’s deep navy eyes, wiser and more majestic than bottomless lakes—those eyes that had seen the Earth through its violent infancy in the days of volcanoes—were dead. They were the first thing to die.

“Go!” Courage yelled.

The Maid was surprised at the anger in her voice.

“Now! Go now!”

The Maid shut the door.

She leaned against it, shaking, trying to hold back tears. A satanic shriek split the night; there was a sickly thunk, a spattering of blood. All Courage left her then.

Gone. All the Moon Children were gone. All except for this precious piece of life in her arms.

For the first time, the Maid allowed herself to look at the last Moon Child. She was beautiful, more so than the Moon herself. The Maid steeled herself then, promised herself she would defend this helpless creature as long as there was breath left in her body. She held the child close to her heart and whispered soothingly to her. She was only a human. What could she do? Her best, she decided, and nothing more.

Maid and Moon Child sat huddled on the cold tiles for many moments. It might have seemed that all hope was gone, were it not for the small bit of Faith the Maid held in her arms.

Comments & reviews · 10
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deleted1
Comment

Did I just start a trend of criticism for once? Going against a tide of good reviews and actually being recognized as having valid points is something new for me. O.o!

Though I seriously believe the story is meant to be cliche from what I've read so far. A good idea wrapped around a bunch of weak characters in a somewhat original presentation. This is the kind of story that would be a fairy tale for putting young children to sleep, I'm guessing maybe 8-9 years old at most. While its no 'Goodnight Moon' its a bit of a pleasant surprise seeing some cuteness and simple ideas (and cliches being a bit funny) to make for a read.

I just can't force myself to take this as a serious work. If it is serious, Squallz is perfectly right. My view point is from a different angle, but attributing it to the serious side, Squallz is 100% correct and while as for having purpose it really should be dealt with in the prologue as he stated so clearly.

Just because you use good adjectives doesn't mean the story has any depth to it, its wispy fluff of whipped cream on a cake made of tin foil. Most people will be like "Oh yay! Whipped creme!" then bite into the tinfoil and suddenly change their minds.

User avatar
Stori
Comment

I'm wondering, why doesn't Courage have a heart and lungs? Is it natural?

User avatar
Squall
Review
Squall wrote a review · Fri Oct 26, 2007 8:58 am

Sup girl. Prepare yourself "cracks knuckles".

I will not bother with a line to line since you already have some. I would have to sadly disagree with the above critiques except for errant. This was quite bland to say the least. The piece lacked substance and depth. The only thing you did right was the setting, but even your descriptions is a bit off.

Firstly, when you are describing something and linking it with something else, be sure to keep it constant with the era that it is in. For example:

She had no lungs, but her diaphragm burned like tires screeching on asphalt.


This is fantasy is it not? Why are you linking the description with something of a totally irrelevant era? Do not link your description to something that is irrlevant to the era of the fantasy as it will weaken the piece seem out of place and unprofessional.

Secondly, it was filled with cliches. You named your characters after an emotion or value. To me, this is just a way to hide your lack of effort and dedication into the story. Your characters were very bland and the ideas they portrayed were very simple. They lacked depth basically, and there was hardly anything that makes them unique. You don't have to make them unique, but at least make them feel like individual persons to the reader.

Then there was the moon children thing. God, big cliche here. Do you have any idea on how often the moon itself is used in literature? A lot. You have a race called "moon children" which I thought was uninspired and lacked creativity, simply because you failed to make the race stand out themselves and just named the race so because it is linked to the moon itself.

To remedy this, you need to add depth into the characters. Show the reason on why you named them after emotions. Make them real, not just cookie cut and paste characters. What is the purpose of the moon children? Why are they named like that? What is their view of the society they are in? Etc etc. As of now, this piece and other chapters feels rushed and lacked depth. By applying more effort and creativity into the piece, it would had been better.

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deleted1
Review

A few points take shot at the story's greatness, that is giving name and awkward use. The use of them when not needed is cliche and a bit detracting from the story.

Death hit her...but it wasn't death and it wasn't the end of her then.

All Courage left her then. A key point that is what I mean from above.

After she tosses the shield into the water its like your prologue becomes half edited. It is not the same beautiful piece we were expecting as we read the first part of the prologue. The sentance patterns don't add up, they detract and hurt the story and don't build any tension.

Repeated words and other cliches in these short sentance bursts harm it the most, striking down beauty with weak tension that is uncharacteristic for the flow. With such simple names and great care to details, these kinds of sentances kill what you worked so hard to establish in beauty and depth.

A clash of Shakespear and Hemmingway is not something that is astectically pleasing to a reader.

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BigBadBear
Review

Holy cow. You are just like pure talent. This story totally captivated me. I really like how you say like, "Just a litlle bit of Faith remained in her arms." and stuff like that. It is very creative.

you have really stunned me Feline. You are a really great author, and now I am off to read teh next chapter!


BBB

oooh, very good, very good. keep it up!

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miyaviloves
Review

That was really good - you used descrition well without over doing it.

I understand thatthe moon is important but in the opening paragraphs you repeat 'moon' a lot of times and it sounds very repetative.

I agree with Reakeda that Courage's description was very good, and im intrigued to read more!

Keep this up ^_^

Meevs

User avatar
Reakeda
Review
Reakeda wrote a review · Wed Oct 17, 2007 8:12 am

Your decription of Courage is excellent, but I'm curious about what Faith looks like. You say she was more Beautiful than the Moon and mentioned that Courage worried about her being a Silver beacon, but is that the only coloring to her?

Aside from that, I was absolutely captivated by this chapter. Can't wait to see the next chapter go up! Keep writing

~Rea

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SeraphTree
Review

I really liked your story. Very interesting and engrossing. The only thing I can think of is the Thunder of Paws... you might want to change the name, or specify a little more. When I first read it, I thought there were millions of woofwoofs chasing her.
I also liked your description of Courage. I get the impression she's a wolf lady, with the fur and everything...

I really liked your description of her being there at the beginning of the world. That was really interesting.
Keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really enjoyed it!!!!!!!!!!
^o^<@@@
(eating sushi)



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